Reading through my philosophy assignments, I came across an interesting theory that good ol’ Pascal cooked up to cheerlead people into Christianity, saying that we should all look at this afterlife thing as one big bet. No poker involved but as I understand it:

1. If you’re not a believer and God doesn’t exist, then mkay…

2. If you are a believer and God doesn’t exist, then meh…

3. If you are a believer and God does exist, then yay!

4. If you’re not a believer and God exists, then YOU’RE SCREWED, LITTLE INFIDEL! BAM! OFF TO HELL WITH YOU!

Now, Pascal, calm down and hold it right there. What exactly makes you think that I will *yay!* myself at the existence of God? If he is actually out there somewhere, then he’d better send me straight to hell because I wouldn’t be caught dead (or floating my little soul around) with him in the same room.

‘But Red, darling, he’ll offer you eternal happiness if you become a believer!’

A believer in what? His low attempt at engineering life? I’ve seen a better job done in the Sims and now I can’t even play that anymore because I’m dead. Hoorah! If I have to go through this lousy earthly existence to get an upgrade into the ‘kingdom of angels’, then God is no better than Apple to me. But seriously now, I’ve been ‘being’ for 22 years and I all I ever want for my birthday is no afterlife. It’s bad enough that I have to apply for jobs and masters – I really don’t want my whole life being an application and, most definitely not one for heaven. I’ve got better things to do post-mortem – like handing in my essay on Pascal’s Wager decades late because I’ve been too busy believing in God my entire life. Ha ha. Bottom line is:

• There’s no such thing as eternal happiness unless the BigMac is transcendental
• If it were a matter of forgiveness, I’m receiving a lot of that for excusing myself in England all day long anyway
• Wings don’t go with my hair
• Heaven is probably for non-smokers

So unless you throw in some extras with that bet, I’m not buying! *smacks door in Pascal’s face*